Divorced Opponauts help a brother out. 

"E92M3" (E46M3) 05/27/2015 at 11:49 • Filed to: None

1

20

I’m sorry to put my personal stuff on Oppo, but I don’t have the strength to tell family and friends just yet. My father has health problems and the news may literally kill him. The wife and I have decided to part ways. Any advice from those that have been thru this before? Can you provide some hope by telling me how much happier you are now that it’s all over? We are thinking of doing a non-contested instead of hiring lawyers. Is that a bad idea? So far we agree on property division and custody, but who knows what the coming days will bring.

505Turbeaux > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 11:52

1

mine was easy, don’t get lawyers involved unless either party thinks they are being rooked.

I held off on telling my mom and sister for about 6 months because my mom and dad had a messy divorce and I was already pegged by them to be the same level of asshole that he was to them. But once I did they didn’t care too much about it - they never liked my ex anyhow. We did it uncontested too and it was fine

Arben72 > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 11:55

1

I’ve never been through a divorce but the more you agree without getting a lawyer involved is better as long as your happy. I know many happily divorced people, hell, a couple are still friends with each other. I’m sure there’s someone on here who can chime in more. If you can, you and your soon to be exwife should go sit and talk with your father. It’ll be the best way to break the news to him.

$kaycog > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 11:58

1

There is life after divorce, and, in my case, it is a better life now. It does take time to get there.

Gamecat235 > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:01

2

I’ve been through an uncontested divorce with child / custody agreements. It can work... but , both of you need to be able to feel like everything is fair, and no one is “winning” except for the child, because if you have required counselling, review or any other process which essentially are in place to make sure that the interests of the child (and therefore the state) are being taken into account, this topic will absolutely come up.

It does get better, but it will likely get worse for a while.

I’m now remarried and all the happier for the experience. My gut says that as far as advice goes, that you want to make certain that you can do this as planned (uncontested), and then talk to your father about it in terms of “growing apart” and explain that (if true, which it certainly is in my case) you think you’ll be better as co-parents instead of as true partners. That said, every situation is different . And taking advice from strangers over the internet is a questionable prospect.

(first marriage went 12 years, and I’m 5 years into my second, so I have some ideas of what you are experiencing).

WesBarton89 - The Way to Santa Fe > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:02

1

Ahhh... that sucks. First off, that’s hard, and really stressful. I’m sorry, for you, your family, and her and her family. Regardless of the consequences, any animosity, etc., it’s hard on all parties involved. Can’t say I’ve ever been directly involved in a divorce, but I have been witness to some nasty ones.

That being said, all I can say is, be up front with your dad. The health problems may be scary, but he may be able to provide some support that could really help, especially if you’re close to him. I mean, I hope it wouldn’t kill him. I don’t know the scope of the health problems, but if you give the news lightly, he may be able to help you out some.

Leave any arguments at home. Be amicable if possible. I can’t say that you’ll be happier, at least not as first. You’re gonna have a bit of an empty void for awhile. You’ll grieve, be angry, be sad, every possible emotion. You don’t always get past it, but you will get used to it, and accept what happens.

Stay strong, my man. I can’t help out as much as I’d like, but I can certainly lend an ear.

WiscoProud > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:03

2

While I am not divorced, as part of my job I have worked with many divorce cases. The two main questions are: do you have kids and do you have many assets together? If the answer to both is no, don’t bother with lawyers and just go your own way. If there are no kids you may be able to do this anyways. I have worked with many divorce attorneys, and while there are good and bad, their end goal is to generate legal fees. They are not working pro bono. If you go the attorney route, be prepared to liquidate your retirement if you don’t have adequate savings.

Just remember, as Louis CK said "Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and ... they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times."

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:06

1

Sorry to hear it... Hope the process goes smoothly and the two of you can proceed without too much more pain. I agree with Arben about telling your dad together, assuming she’s willing to do that.

Ash78, voting early and often > WiscoProud 05/27/2015 at 12:24

1

+1 coming here just to post Louis CK. Nothing more to add but good luck on keeping it amicable and clean between the two of you

E92M3 > WesBarton89 - The Way to Santa Fe 05/27/2015 at 12:35

1

Good advice, thanks!

Snuze: Needs another Swede > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:36

0

I’m not divorced, so no advice to give, but I just wanted to wish you the best. I hope the process goes smoothly and that you all are able to move on with your lives amicably.

Flat Six > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:37

0

All of my friends who were miserable before the divorce were a lot happier after the divorce. Generally the kids seem happier and get to spend more quality time with the parents 1:1 without all the arguing.

The only two cases where people were not happier was when the husband turned out to be a secret asshole who unilaterally and suddenly decided they didn’t want to be a husband/dad anymore and ran off.

E92M3 > WiscoProud 05/27/2015 at 12:42

0

We do have assets and 1 child. There’s 2 houses, we both agree on who gets which one. She agree’s to let me keep my cars, and she gets to keep her car. I’m letting her keep the nicer house, and custody of our son (since it’s closest to his school, and she has more flexibility to take him everyday than I will). We are putting joint custody on the petition for now, since she travels 5 months out of the year it’s hard to make a real schedule on a calendar (like 1 week intervals with each parent). We both have retirement accounts, and are fine with the respective person keeping theirs.

E92M3 > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 05/27/2015 at 12:43

0

Thanks Dave.. I don’t know if she could face him in person. Probably best for me to do it alone.

WiscoProud > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:46

0

It sounds like you guys are heading into this rationally. Each state is different, but I would look into collaborative law. The fees will be minimized and providing there are not last minute arguments, its probably the best way to come out clean on the other side (clean as in still friends/ communicative).

BrtStlnd > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 12:52

3

As far as custody goes, the most important (and difficult) part is agreeing to never poison your child(ren) against the other parent. You want your kids to have the best possible relationship with both parents, that will benefit everyone in the long run. Whatever beefs you guys have with each other are now completely dead, and it’s best practice to agree to never bring anything from the past up again. My ex and I have never spoken a negative word about each other to our daughter, and we still have family dinners almost every Friday with the new and ex Mrs Brt and everyone gets along great. We may be the exception but it is possible.

If you can agree to split assets equitably and no one feels like they’re getting shafted, then obviously that’s better than a contested, drawn-out process... at the same time you need to have a lawyer look at your proposal because he/she may think of things that you guys have not.

On a personal note, it does get better. Divorce is extremely difficult emotionally... failure, bitterness, judgement from friends and family, financial difficulty... all of these things may weigh on you but it won’t ever be more trying than it is now. I’m sorry and I wish you the best.

E92M3 > BrtStlnd 05/27/2015 at 13:12

1

Thanks man, that is some good advice. As much as I want to be revengeful I’ll try my best to be kind about it. Our son is the main priority afterall.

Gamecat235 > BrtStlnd 05/27/2015 at 13:25

2

My wife and my ex are in the same book club and regularly see each other socially, everything which is communicated is done in regard to our son, or to communicate life changes / events which could impact him / us / them. We are so much better as co-parents than we were as partners (at the end). And once both of us realized that, everything became much, much easier.

Plus, this has the advantage of showing our son that you can exit a relationship without burning bridges or scorching the earth behind you. Demonstrating how to be an adult is the best way to teach your kids what your expectations are, and also show that it can be done. At this point, it is just how it is.

BrtStlnd > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 13:42

1

If you feel like you still have issues you need to get straight, then by all means go see a counselor. I did for almost 2 years and it helped me tremendously. Divorce is an admission that your marriage’s problems are unsolvable, so everyone needs to stop trying to do that. The most important thing is to respect your partner’s position as your child’s parent and treat them the way you’d like your child to treat them.

E92M3 > BrtStlnd 05/27/2015 at 14:24

0

I’m not one to give up easily, but I just can’t see this ever being reconciled. Being with someone you can’t trust is no way to live life. She’s damaged goods in my eyes now. I know there is someone else out there that will appreciate me, even if it’s for just a little while.

BrtStlnd > E92M3 05/27/2015 at 14:28

0

I think that’s a fairly normal way to feel at the end of a marriage, and that’s fine. Like I said, if you have other things you need to get off your chest, I can’t recommend counseling enough.